Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back
of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and
a diet coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process
so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.
Only in America.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Thursday, March 25, 2004
Someday you may be invited to fly in the back seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity. Move to Guam. Change your name. Fake your own death! Whatever you do, do not go.
I know. The US Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceania in Virginia Beach.
Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like,
triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair,
finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic
alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.
Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff."
Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.
"Bananas," he said.
"For the potassium?" I asked.
"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."
The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot, but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.
A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.
Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.
Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell, only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us. We broke the sound barrier. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G-force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me.
And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before. And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two.
Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.
I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less money a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.
A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Two Bags"
I know. The US Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceania in Virginia Beach.
Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like,
triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair,
finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic
alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.
Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff."
Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.
"Bananas," he said.
"For the potassium?" I asked.
"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."
The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot, but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.
A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.
Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.
Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell, only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us. We broke the sound barrier. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G-force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me.
And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before. And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two.
Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.
I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less money a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.
A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Two Bags"
The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Don't be overly sensitive!
The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes.
Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends. The person who
sent it placed their score in the subject box.
Please do the same before forwarding to your friends.
Don't peek but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.
Answers are for who you are now...... not who you were in the past.
>
> Have pen or pencil and paper ready.
>
> This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at
many of the
>major corporations today. It helps them get better insight
concerning
>their employees and prospective employees.
>
>
> It's only 10 simple questions, so...... grab a pencil and
paper, keeping
>track of your letter answers. Make sure to change the subject
of the
e-mail
>to read YOUR total.
>
>
> When you are finished, forward this to everyone you know,
and also send
>it
>to the person who sent this to you.
>
>
> Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box.
>
>
> ===========================================================
>
> 1. When do you feel your best?
>
> a) in the morning
>
> b) during the afternoon and early evening
>
> c) late at night
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 2. You usually walk...
>
> a) fairly fast, with long steps
>
> b) fairly fast, with little steps
>
> c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
>
> d) less fast, head down
>
> e) very slowly
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 3. When talking to people you...
>
> a) stand with your arms folded
>
> b) have your hands clasped
>
> c) have one or both your hands on your hips
>
> d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
>
> e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your
hair
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 4. When relaxing, you sit with...
>
> a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
>
> b) your legs crossed
>
> c) your legs stretched out or straight
>
> d) one leg curled under you
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
>
> a) big appreciated laugh
>
> b) a laugh, but not a loud one
>
> c) a quiet chuckle
>
> d) a sheepish smile
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...
>
> a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
>
> b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you
know
>
> c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're
>interrupted......
>
> ! a) welcome the break
>
> b) feel extremely irritated
>
> c) vary between these two extremes
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
>
> a) Red or orange
>
> b) black
>
> c) yellow or light blue
>
> d) green
>
> e) dark blue or purple
>
> f) white
>
> g) brown or gray
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments
before going
>to
>sleep....
>
> a) stretched out on your back
>
> b) stretched out face down on your stomach
>
> c) on your side, slightly curled
>
> d) with your head on one arm
>
> e) with your head under the covers
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 10. You often dream that you are...
>
> a) falling
>
> b) fighting or struggling
>
> c) searching for something or somebody
>
> d) flying or floating
>
> e) you usually have dreamless sleep
>
> f) your dreams are always pleasant
>
>
> ===========================================================
>
>
>
>
>
>
> POINTS FOR EACH ANSWER:
>
>
> 1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
>
>
> 2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
>
>
> 3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
>
>
> 4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
>
>
> 5. (a! ) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
>
>
> 6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
>
>
> 7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
>
>
> 8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
>
>
> 9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
>
>
> 10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1
>
>
> Now add up the total number of points.
>
>
> DON'T LOOK BEYOND THIS UNTIL YOUR HAVE COMPLETED AND SCORED
YOURSELF.
>
>
> ===========================================================
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should
"handle with
care."
>
>You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely
dominant. Others
>may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't
always
trust
>you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.
>
>
> 51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly
volatile, rather
>impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make
decisions,
>though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and
adventuresome,
>someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances
and enjoys
an
>adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the
excitement you
>radiate.
>
>
> 41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming,
amusing,
>practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in
the center
>of
>attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to
their head.
>They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding;
someone who'll
>always cheer them up and help them out.
>
>
> 31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious,
careful
practical.
>
>They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not
a person who
>makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's
extremely loyal to
>friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty i! n
return. Those who
>really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your
trust in your
>friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over
it, if that
>trust is ever
>
>broken.
>
>
> 21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and
fussy. They
see
>
>you as very cautious, extremely careful, slow and steady; It
would really
>surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the
spur of the
>moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from
every angle and
>then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is
caused partly
>by your careful nature.
>
>
> UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and
indecisive,
>someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else
to make the
>decisions; who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or
anything! They
>see you as a
>
>worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people
think
you're
>
>boring. ! Only those who know you well know that you aren't.
>
>
> Now forward this to others, and put your score in subject
box
>
>
The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes.
Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends. The person who
sent it placed their score in the subject box.
Please do the same before forwarding to your friends.
Don't peek but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.
Answers are for who you are now...... not who you were in the past.
>
> Have pen or pencil and paper ready.
>
> This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at
many of the
>major corporations today. It helps them get better insight
concerning
>their employees and prospective employees.
>
>
> It's only 10 simple questions, so...... grab a pencil and
paper, keeping
>track of your letter answers. Make sure to change the subject
of the
>to read YOUR total.
>
>
> When you are finished, forward this to everyone you know,
and also send
>it
>to the person who sent this to you.
>
>
> Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box.
>
>
> ===========================================================
>
> 1. When do you feel your best?
>
> a) in the morning
>
> b) during the afternoon and early evening
>
> c) late at night
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 2. You usually walk...
>
> a) fairly fast, with long steps
>
> b) fairly fast, with little steps
>
> c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
>
> d) less fast, head down
>
> e) very slowly
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 3. When talking to people you...
>
> a) stand with your arms folded
>
> b) have your hands clasped
>
> c) have one or both your hands on your hips
>
> d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
>
> e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your
hair
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 4. When relaxing, you sit with...
>
> a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
>
> b) your legs crossed
>
> c) your legs stretched out or straight
>
> d) one leg curled under you
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
>
> a) big appreciated laugh
>
> b) a laugh, but not a loud one
>
> c) a quiet chuckle
>
> d) a sheepish smile
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...
>
> a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
>
> b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you
know
>
> c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're
>interrupted......
>
> ! a) welcome the break
>
> b) feel extremely irritated
>
> c) vary between these two extremes
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
>
> a) Red or orange
>
> b) black
>
> c) yellow or light blue
>
> d) green
>
> e) dark blue or purple
>
> f) white
>
> g) brown or gray
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments
before going
>to
>sleep....
>
> a) stretched out on your back
>
> b) stretched out face down on your stomach
>
> c) on your side, slightly curled
>
> d) with your head on one arm
>
> e) with your head under the covers
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 10. You often dream that you are...
>
> a) falling
>
> b) fighting or struggling
>
> c) searching for something or somebody
>
> d) flying or floating
>
> e) you usually have dreamless sleep
>
> f) your dreams are always pleasant
>
>
> ===========================================================
>
>
>
>
>
>
> POINTS FOR EACH ANSWER:
>
>
> 1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
>
>
> 2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
>
>
> 3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
>
>
> 4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
>
>
> 5. (a! ) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
>
>
> 6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
>
>
> 7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
>
>
> 8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
>
>
> 9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
>
>
> 10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1
>
>
> Now add up the total number of points.
>
>
> DON'T LOOK BEYOND THIS UNTIL YOUR HAVE COMPLETED AND SCORED
YOURSELF.
>
>
> ===========================================================
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should
"handle with
care."
>
>You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely
dominant. Others
>may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't
always
trust
>you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.
>
>
> 51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly
volatile, rather
>impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make
decisions,
>though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and
adventuresome,
>someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances
and enjoys
an
>adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the
excitement you
>radiate.
>
>
> 41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming,
amusing,
>practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in
the center
>of
>attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to
their head.
>They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding;
someone who'll
>always cheer them up and help them out.
>
>
> 31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious,
careful
practical.
>
>They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not
a person who
>makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's
extremely loyal to
>friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty i! n
return. Those who
>really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your
trust in your
>friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over
it, if that
>trust is ever
>
>broken.
>
>
> 21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and
fussy. They
see
>
>you as very cautious, extremely careful, slow and steady; It
would really
>surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the
spur of the
>moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from
every angle and
>then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is
caused partly
>by your careful nature.
>
>
> UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and
indecisive,
>someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else
to make the
>decisions; who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or
anything! They
>see you as a
>
>worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people
think
you're
>
>boring. ! Only those who know you well know that you aren't.
>
>
> Now forward this to others, and put your score in subject
box
>
>
Saturday, March 13, 2004
This is one of the neatest stories I've ever heard. You will know precisely what this little girl is talking about at the end!
"Danielle keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this," the mother told the volunteer.
"What is it she keeps asking for?" the volunteer asked.
"Puppy size!" replied the mother.
"Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for."
"I know...we have seen most of them," the mom said in frustration...
Just then Danielle came walking into the office .
"Well, did you find one?" asked her mom. "No, not this time," Danielle said with sadness in her voice. "Can we come back on the weekend?"
The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed.
"You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there's always a supply," the volunteer said.
Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. "Don't worry, I'll find one this weekend," she said.
Over the next few days both mom and dad had long conversations with her. They both felt she was being too particular. "It's this weekend or we're not looking any more," Dad finally said in frustration. "We don't want to hear anything more about puppy size either," Mom added.
Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning. By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs. Tired of th e routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages.
There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren't permitted. Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look. One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one. One by one she said, "Sorry, you're not the one."
It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup. The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This time she took a little longer. "Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!" she screamed with joy. "It's the puppy size!"
"But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few weeks," Mom said.
"No not size ---- the sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed," she said.
" Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!"
The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the child, she did a little of both.
"Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms," she said. Then holding the puppy up close to her face she said, "Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart!"
Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that makes you sigh. I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot day.
They are the sighs of God. Take the time to stop and list en; you will be surprised at what you hear. "Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
____________________________________________________
"Danielle keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this," the mother told the volunteer.
"What is it she keeps asking for?" the volunteer asked.
"Puppy size!" replied the mother.
"Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for."
"I know...we have seen most of them," the mom said in frustration...
Just then Danielle came walking into the office .
"Well, did you find one?" asked her mom. "No, not this time," Danielle said with sadness in her voice. "Can we come back on the weekend?"
The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed.
"You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there's always a supply," the volunteer said.
Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. "Don't worry, I'll find one this weekend," she said.
Over the next few days both mom and dad had long conversations with her. They both felt she was being too particular. "It's this weekend or we're not looking any more," Dad finally said in frustration. "We don't want to hear anything more about puppy size either," Mom added.
Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning. By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs. Tired of th e routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages.
There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren't permitted. Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look. One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one. One by one she said, "Sorry, you're not the one."
It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup. The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This time she took a little longer. "Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!" she screamed with joy. "It's the puppy size!"
"But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few weeks," Mom said.
"No not size ---- the sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed," she said.
" Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!"
The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the child, she did a little of both.
"Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms," she said. Then holding the puppy up close to her face she said, "Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart!"
Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that makes you sigh. I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot day.
They are the sighs of God. Take the time to stop and list en; you will be surprised at what you hear. "Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
____________________________________________________
Friday, March 12, 2004
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
POTATO AND CABBAGE BUNDLES
Active time: 1 1/2 hr Start to finish: 2 1/4 hr
1 medium onion, halved lengthwise, then sliced crosswise (1 cup)
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 large head leafy green cabbage (3 lb)
1 teaspoon minced garlic
3/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
2/3 cup water
2 lb large boiling potatoes
1 cup well-shaken buttermilk
3 oz extra-sharp white Cheddar, coarsely grated (1 cup)
2 tablespoons drained bottled horseradish
3/4 stick (6 tablespoons) unsalted butter
3/4 cup coarse fresh bread crumbs from a country-style loaf
Special equipment: a nonstick muffin tin with 6 (1-cup) muffin cups; 12 (10- by 2-inch) strips of parchment paper
Accompaniment: Irish bacon
Cook onion in oil in a 10-inch heavy skillet over moderate heat, stirring occasionally, until soft and golden, 6 to 8 minutes.
Bring a 6- to 8-quart pot of salted water to a boil. Discard any discolored or damaged tough outer leaves from cabbage, then core cabbage and carefully lower into boiling water using a slotted spoon.
Boil cabbage, pulling off 6 large leaves (to be used as decorative wrappers and eaten if desired) with tongs as they soften and leaving them with remaining cabbage, 5 minutes. Transfer large leaves to a bowl of ice water to stop cooking. Transfer remaining cabbage to a colander to drain. Transfer large leaves to paper towels to drain, then pat dry.
Lightly butter muffin cups, then put 2 parchment strips in a crisscross pattern in each cup. (You will have a 2-inch overhang.) Line each cup with a large cabbage leaf. Coarsely chop enough remaining cabbage to measure 3 cups, then add to onion along with garlic, 1/4 teaspoon salt, 1/8 teaspoon pepper, and water and cook over moderate heat, stirring occasionally, until cabbage is tender and browned, about 10 minutes.
Put oven rack in middle position and preheat oven to 350°F.
Peel potatoes and cut into 1-inch cubes, then cover with cold salted water by 1 inch in a 2- to 3-quart saucepan and bring to a boil. Cook potatoes until tender, about 15 minutes. Drain in a colander, then set potatoes in colander over saucepan to steam-dry, uncovered, 5 minutes. Mash potatoes in a large bowl, then stir in buttermilk, cheese, horseradish, 1/2 stick butter, and remaining 1/2 teaspoon salt and 1/8 teaspoon pepper until combined well.
Melt remaining 2 tablespoons butter in a 10-inch heavy skillet over moderate heat until foam subsides, then cook bread crumbs, stirring frequently, until golden, 5 to 7 minutes.
Fill each cabbage leaf with about 1/2 cup potato mixture, then divide cabbage mixture among leaves. Top with remaining potato mixture, then sprinkle evenly with bread crumbs. Fold edges of cabbage in toward filling (do not completely cover).
Bake until heated through and edges of cabbage are well browned, 25 to 30 minutes.
Transfer stuffed leaves to plates using parchment overhangs.
Cooks' note:
Stuffed cabbage leaves can be assembled, but not baked, 1 day ahead and chilled, covered. Bring to room temperature before baking.
Makes 4 to 6 main-course servings.
Gourmet
March 2004
Gourmet Entertains
Active time: 1 1/2 hr Start to finish: 2 1/4 hr
1 medium onion, halved lengthwise, then sliced crosswise (1 cup)
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 large head leafy green cabbage (3 lb)
1 teaspoon minced garlic
3/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
2/3 cup water
2 lb large boiling potatoes
1 cup well-shaken buttermilk
3 oz extra-sharp white Cheddar, coarsely grated (1 cup)
2 tablespoons drained bottled horseradish
3/4 stick (6 tablespoons) unsalted butter
3/4 cup coarse fresh bread crumbs from a country-style loaf
Special equipment: a nonstick muffin tin with 6 (1-cup) muffin cups; 12 (10- by 2-inch) strips of parchment paper
Accompaniment: Irish bacon
Cook onion in oil in a 10-inch heavy skillet over moderate heat, stirring occasionally, until soft and golden, 6 to 8 minutes.
Bring a 6- to 8-quart pot of salted water to a boil. Discard any discolored or damaged tough outer leaves from cabbage, then core cabbage and carefully lower into boiling water using a slotted spoon.
Boil cabbage, pulling off 6 large leaves (to be used as decorative wrappers and eaten if desired) with tongs as they soften and leaving them with remaining cabbage, 5 minutes. Transfer large leaves to a bowl of ice water to stop cooking. Transfer remaining cabbage to a colander to drain. Transfer large leaves to paper towels to drain, then pat dry.
Lightly butter muffin cups, then put 2 parchment strips in a crisscross pattern in each cup. (You will have a 2-inch overhang.) Line each cup with a large cabbage leaf. Coarsely chop enough remaining cabbage to measure 3 cups, then add to onion along with garlic, 1/4 teaspoon salt, 1/8 teaspoon pepper, and water and cook over moderate heat, stirring occasionally, until cabbage is tender and browned, about 10 minutes.
Put oven rack in middle position and preheat oven to 350°F.
Peel potatoes and cut into 1-inch cubes, then cover with cold salted water by 1 inch in a 2- to 3-quart saucepan and bring to a boil. Cook potatoes until tender, about 15 minutes. Drain in a colander, then set potatoes in colander over saucepan to steam-dry, uncovered, 5 minutes. Mash potatoes in a large bowl, then stir in buttermilk, cheese, horseradish, 1/2 stick butter, and remaining 1/2 teaspoon salt and 1/8 teaspoon pepper until combined well.
Melt remaining 2 tablespoons butter in a 10-inch heavy skillet over moderate heat until foam subsides, then cook bread crumbs, stirring frequently, until golden, 5 to 7 minutes.
Fill each cabbage leaf with about 1/2 cup potato mixture, then divide cabbage mixture among leaves. Top with remaining potato mixture, then sprinkle evenly with bread crumbs. Fold edges of cabbage in toward filling (do not completely cover).
Bake until heated through and edges of cabbage are well browned, 25 to 30 minutes.
Transfer stuffed leaves to plates using parchment overhangs.
Cooks' note:
Stuffed cabbage leaves can be assembled, but not baked, 1 day ahead and chilled, covered. Bring to room temperature before baking.
Makes 4 to 6 main-course servings.
Gourmet
March 2004
Gourmet Entertains
Sunday, March 07, 2004
Subject: Hung Chow.....
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I
really sick. I got Headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come
work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel
like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything
better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel
great. I be at work soon. You got nice house!
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I
really sick. I got Headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come
work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel
like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything
better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel
great. I be at work soon. You got nice house!
Monday, March 01, 2004
The Farmer and the Pig
farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?"
The farmer replied, "No, I didn't know that." The cop asked the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis".
The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis." So the farmer promised he would.
Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again. The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis."
The farmer replied, "I did and we had so much fun, I taking him to Kings Island now".
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