GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCEMENT:


The government today announced that it is
changing its emblem from an eagle
to a condom because it more accurately
reflects the government's political stance.





A condom stands up to inflation, halts
production, destroys the next generation,
protects a bunch of pricks, and gives
you a sense of security while you're
actually being screwed.

Damn!
It just doesn't get more accurate than that.

I Can identify with this !.....This is great!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated
Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:
I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on
the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the
trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is
full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out
the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I
take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only
one check left

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk
where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the
Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put
it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on
the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading
glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going
to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container
with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be
looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on
the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where
it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on
the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels
and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was
do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't
paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the
flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my
checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm
really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm
really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get! some
help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you
know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laughDon't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good
idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It
worked
like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me
a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so
I
supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We
are packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you
are open to the new ideas of youth."

"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with
the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the
donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign,


" Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell " can not stay on the church roof.

1. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in
the first place!



2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk.



3. The early bird still has to eat worms.



4. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.



5. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.



6. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life, we could simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?



7. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.



8. My spouse says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what was
said.



9. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.



10. Why is it that our American children can't read a Bible in school, but
they can in prison?



11. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started
with something called labor!



12. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.



13. Can you cry under water?



14. How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?



15. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?



16. Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?



17. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny" for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?



18. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?



19. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?



20. What did cured ham actually have?



21. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be
good idea to put wheels on luggage?



22. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
like every two hours?



23. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?



24. If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?



25. Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?



26. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?



27. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
America?



28. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.



29. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?



and finally...



30. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

BOUNCE!


Get rid of ants – simply lay a sheet of Bounce near them and watch them scuttle away.


Slip one inside an old book or photo album that doesn’t get opened too often and stale odors will stay away.


Repel mosquitoes by tying a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.


Eliminate static electricity from your television (or computer) screen. Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling from everything – so if you want to keep dust from re-settling on your TV screen, wipe it with a used sheet of Bounce.


Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Yep – you got it! Bounce comes to the rescue again!


Freshen the air in your home by placing individual sheets of Bounce in your drawers or in your closet.


Keep your carpets smelling sweet by placing a Bounce sheet in your vacuum cleaner.


Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.


Prevent musty suitcases by placing an individual sheet of Bounce inside your empty luggage before storing away.


Freshen the air in your car by placing a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.


Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, leave to soak overnight and then sponge clean. The anti-static agent apparently weakens the bonds between foodstuffs.


Eliminate odors in wastebaskets by placing a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.


Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.


Eliminate static electricity from Venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.


Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.


Eliminate odors in dirty laundry by leaving an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.


Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight.


Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.


Putting a Bounce sheet in sleeping bags and tents before folding and storing them away will keep them smelling fresh.
And don't forget... if there's any left, Bounce is great to use in your dryer too!

Bounce® is a registered trademark of Proctor & Gamble. Visit www.tide.com for a wealth of tips, timesavers and money-off coupons

Avella superintendent, high school principal resign





AVELLA - Avella Area School Board on Wednesday approved the resignations of Superintendent Paulette Graham and high school principal Dan Cecchini.

Both motions passed by 6-3 votes, with Directors Nicholas Cecchini, Lynn Clarchick and Jonanne Yukevich voting against the measures.

Both retirements are effective June 30. The board waived a six-month notice clause in both contracts. Graham will receive six months pay beginning July 1 and will receive health benefits from the district until she is eligible for Medicare.

Graham and Cecchini had little to say about their decisions other than it was a difficult one to make.

"I really have grown to love being in Avella, and it was not a decision I made lightly," Graham said.

Closing sermon words
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great
expression he
said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and
throw it into
the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had
all the wine
in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the
world, I'd
take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and
announced with
a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall
We Gather at
the River."

Everyone knows that two aspirin works great for a headache. But did you know...... Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve earache pain almost immediately without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional pain relievers. > >2) Before you head to he drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose. > >3) Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1/2 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles. > >4) Sore Throat?? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 Tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria. > >5) Cure urinary tract infections with alka-seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly even though the product was never been advertised for this use. > >6) It's nice to be someone's Honey, but use HONEY as a remedy for Skin Blemishes? Yup! Just cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight. > >7) Listerine is a pretty strong mouth wash, but therapy for toenail fungus? Sure enough! Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again. > >8) Have you ever lost a screw from your glasses? It can be frustrating to say the least! But there's an easy way to avoid that! To prevent the screws in your glasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them. > >9) YIPES! A nasty stinging insect is in the house, and I can't find the RAID! If menacing bees, wasps hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly. > >10) Everyone has gotten a smart splinter in their finger from time to time, and have a heck of a time trying to remove it! Just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-all over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue. No time to let glue dry? ***Try duct tape! It's strong, and will pull the splinter out with one pull! > >11) We all know tomato paste is cooked to a boil...but used "FOR" a boil??? Cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head. > >12) Cleaning and disinfecting the area of a broken blister is difficult sometimes. To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine.....a powerful antiseptic. > >13) WHITE vinegar removes the blues! Heinz vinegar to heal bruises...Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process. > >14) Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dishwashing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Good-bye fleas. Seems no other dishwashing liquid works this well! > >15) Rainy day cure for dog odor....Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh. > >16) Eliminate ear mites....All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat or dogs ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. > >17) Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the pets skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing (mineral oil or baby oil works well too). > >18) Vaseline cure for hairballs for cats....To prevent troublesome hairballs, apply a dollop of Vaseline petroleum jelly to your cat's nose. The cat will lick off the jelly, lubricating any hair in its stomach so it can pass easily through the digestive system. > >19) Quaker Oats for fast pain relief....It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain. It's great for a facial and to soften hands too! > >20) Now...don't you feel so much smarter? It's amazing how some of the old home remedies work just as well as the expensive fancy bottled elixirs! > >21) Check your kitchen and bathroom cupboards and see what YOU'RE missing out on! Have fun telling others of these fun facts > > > > >

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.
Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He
asked, "What
are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth
has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will
move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother
Teresa's. The
hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a
lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's
Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling
us that Abe
told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a
ceiling fan!

The First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!".


The Second Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"


The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling.

He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"


The Fourth Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the
Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Fifth Affair

A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender replied.

"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."


The Sixth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

Subject: COMMON SENSE


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student, but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; religeous constitutions became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers, My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.