>From another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?"
asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========
"Somebody said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are
those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there
are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he
was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a
note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10
times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our
trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this
note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket,
I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his
congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have
enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's
still out there in your pockets."
========
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The
owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to
the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient
vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls,
what do we know about God?
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you! know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long
holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars
ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant
motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry
about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get
ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's
the same in my business."
========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of
attention.
========
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what
the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible
means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving
Earth.'"
========
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was
about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to
say, the Mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what
that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy
comforter is coming."
========
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the
congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs
to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular
organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service,"
he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I
make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we
are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected,
and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please
stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
=======
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.
Monday, May 17, 2004
Ernestine and Billy Bob, who are from Tennessee, travel to Kentucky to
visit a relative. They are walking along the street, and they see a sign
on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers
$2.50 per pair."
Ernestine says to his pal, "Billy Bob, "Look here! We could buy a whole gob
of these, take 'em back to Tennessee, sell 'em to our friends, and make
a fortune. Now when we go in there, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do
the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're
ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a
slow Kentucky drawl so's they don't know."
They go in and Ernestine says with his best fake Kentucky drawl, "I'll take
50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each,
and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my
pickup and .."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are from Tennessee, ain't you?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Ernestine........
"How come you know that?"
The owner says, "Because this is a dry-cleaners."
visit a relative. They are walking along the street, and they see a sign
on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers
$2.50 per pair."
Ernestine says to his pal, "Billy Bob, "Look here! We could buy a whole gob
of these, take 'em back to Tennessee, sell 'em to our friends, and make
a fortune. Now when we go in there, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do
the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're
ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a
slow Kentucky drawl so's they don't know."
They go in and Ernestine says with his best fake Kentucky drawl, "I'll take
50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each,
and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my
pickup and .."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are from Tennessee, ain't you?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Ernestine........
"How come you know that?"
The owner says, "Because this is a dry-cleaners."
Saturday, May 15, 2004
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 45, WAY over 45 or
hovering near 45) are quite confused about how we
should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind
of image we are projecting and whether or not we are
correct as we try to be nice and conform to the
fashions that the designers in NYC, California, and/or
Paris inflict upon the world.
So I made a sincere study of the situation and here
are the results.
The following combinations DO NOT go together and thus
should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. In-line skates and a walker
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
hovering near 45) are quite confused about how we
should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind
of image we are projecting and whether or not we are
correct as we try to be nice and conform to the
fashions that the designers in NYC, California, and/or
Paris inflict upon the world.
So I made a sincere study of the situation and here
are the results.
The following combinations DO NOT go together and thus
should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. In-line skates and a walker
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
Friday, May 14, 2004
Budget divides Avella board
Avella Area School Board will revisit next year's budget after board members split Wednesday on a $8.7 million spending plan that would raise property taxes by 4 mills.
District business manager Eric Brandenburg said the 4 mills would cover $73,016 in additional annual principal and interest payments from a $2 million bond issue for capital improvement projects approved earlier this year.
Director Nicholas A. Cecchini proposed the preliminary budget Wednesday, along with some stipulations including charging a $20 for students participating in sports; a $1 increase in the cost of sports tickets; and an increase in the price of school lunches. The motion failed in a 4-4 vote.
Voting against the proposal were directors Corey McConn, Roy H. Miller, Michael Yanosko and Timothy J. Yilit. In favor were James Gagich, Robert Leech Jr., JoAnne M. Yukevich and Cecchini. Director Lynn Maidment-Clarchick was absent.
Directors will meet at 6:30 p.m. Tuesday to discuss the preliminary budget.
If a 4-mill increase would be adopted, the yearly taxes on a $40,000 property, assessed at $10,000, would increase by $40, to $1,060. The current tax rate is 102 mills, with 1 mill generating $20,476 in revenue for the district.
If a tax increase is not included, $1.6 million in projected reserves will be reduced by $958,067 at the end of next school year.
Next year, federal, local and state revenues are expected to generate $8.06 million, $666,933 short of projected expenditures.
Avella Area School Board will revisit next year's budget after board members split Wednesday on a $8.7 million spending plan that would raise property taxes by 4 mills.
District business manager Eric Brandenburg said the 4 mills would cover $73,016 in additional annual principal and interest payments from a $2 million bond issue for capital improvement projects approved earlier this year.
Director Nicholas A. Cecchini proposed the preliminary budget Wednesday, along with some stipulations including charging a $20 for students participating in sports; a $1 increase in the cost of sports tickets; and an increase in the price of school lunches. The motion failed in a 4-4 vote.
Voting against the proposal were directors Corey McConn, Roy H. Miller, Michael Yanosko and Timothy J. Yilit. In favor were James Gagich, Robert Leech Jr., JoAnne M. Yukevich and Cecchini. Director Lynn Maidment-Clarchick was absent.
Directors will meet at 6:30 p.m. Tuesday to discuss the preliminary budget.
If a 4-mill increase would be adopted, the yearly taxes on a $40,000 property, assessed at $10,000, would increase by $40, to $1,060. The current tax rate is 102 mills, with 1 mill generating $20,476 in revenue for the district.
If a tax increase is not included, $1.6 million in projected reserves will be reduced by $958,067 at the end of next school year.
Next year, federal, local and state revenues are expected to generate $8.06 million, $666,933 short of projected expenditures.
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
What to do if someone tries to break in
I HEARD HIM TRYING TO BREAK IN.
I RAN TO THE CABINET GRABBED MY AUTOMATIC,
SLAMMED THE CLIP IN AND CHAMBERED A ROUND.
I WAS SCARED AS I SNUCK DOWN THE HALL
TO THE BACK DOOR.
I ALSO GRABBED A FLASH LIGHT.
I OPENED THE DOOR
AS QUIETLY AND AS SLOWLY AS I COULD.
I TIP TOED TO THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE
WHERE I HEARD HIM
STILL WORKING ON THE SCREEN.
I TURNED THE CORNER
AND PUT THE FLASHLIGHT AND GUN IN HIS FACE.
I YELLED, "HANDS UP!"
AS HE TURNED TO FACE ME
Yep.
It Was A Cat Burglar.
I HEARD HIM TRYING TO BREAK IN.
I RAN TO THE CABINET GRABBED MY AUTOMATIC,
SLAMMED THE CLIP IN AND CHAMBERED A ROUND.
I WAS SCARED AS I SNUCK DOWN THE HALL
TO THE BACK DOOR.
I ALSO GRABBED A FLASH LIGHT.
I OPENED THE DOOR
AS QUIETLY AND AS SLOWLY AS I COULD.
I TIP TOED TO THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE
WHERE I HEARD HIM
STILL WORKING ON THE SCREEN.
I TURNED THE CORNER
AND PUT THE FLASHLIGHT AND GUN IN HIS FACE.
I YELLED, "HANDS UP!"
AS HE TURNED TO FACE ME
Yep.
It Was A Cat Burglar.
Sunday, May 09, 2004
Tips on Bathing the Cat or Cats
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add the required amount of pet
shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.
4.The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that
come from the toilet; the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and
"rinse."
6. Have someone open the door to the outside. Be sure that there are no
people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry
himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean!
Always here to give you the best of tested advice in difficult times.
Sincerely, The Dog
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add the required amount of pet
shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.
4.The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that
come from the toilet; the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and
"rinse."
6. Have someone open the door to the outside. Be sure that there are no
people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry
himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean!
Always here to give you the best of tested advice in difficult times.
Sincerely, The Dog
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