Subject: Thought for today ....... There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. If you don't send this to five friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

This is for older people. Younger people try it at their own risk. This is working well for me. For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this three days a week. Begin by standing straight, with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute. Relax. After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks, and then 50-LB.potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-LB. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in the bags

>
>HOW TRUE IT IS...
>
>Another year has passed
>and we're all a little older.
>Last summer felt hotter
>and winter seems much colder.
>
>I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
>to put down on my pad,
>But lots of things that come to mind
>just make me kind of sad.
>
>There was a time not long ago
>when life was quite a blast.
>Now I fully understand
>about "Living in the Past."
>
>We used to go to weddings,
>football games and lunches.
>Now we go to funeral homes,
>and after-funeral brunches.
>
>We used to have hangovers,
>from parties that were gay.
>Now we suffer body aches
>and while the night away.
>
>We used to go out dining,
>and couldn't get our fill.
>Now we ask for doggie bags,
>come home and take a pill.
>
>We used to travel often
>to places near and far.
>Now we get sore bottoms
>from riding in the car.
>
>We used to go out shopping
>for new clothing at the Mall
>But, now we never bother...
>all the sizes are too small.
>
>We used to go to nightclubs
>and drink a little booze.
>Now we stay at home at night
>and watch the evening news.
>
>That, my friend is how life is,
>and now my tale is told.
>So, enjoy each day and live it up...
>before you're too darned old!

Things To Ponder (or not) 1. Can you cry under water? 2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just chunkydunk." 3. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? 4. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? 5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny or your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? 6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? 7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box? 8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? 9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake-up like every two hours? 11. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? 12. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? 13. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? 14. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wearloose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! 15. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? 16. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 17. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. 18. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! 19 . Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Cow tracking Is it just me or does anyone else find it absolutely amazing that the U.S. government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and determine exactly what that cow ate. They can also track her calves right to their stalls, and tell you what kind of feed they ate. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around in their country, including people that are trying to blow up important structures in the U.S. My solution is to give every illegal alien a cow as soon as they enter the country.

CLEVER SAYINGS

READ SLOWLY-- THEY ARE QUITE CLEVER!!


1. Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.


2. Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.


3.. Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage,


4.. Burglarize: What a crook sees with.


5.. Control: A short, ugly inmate.


6.. Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.


7.. Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.


8.. Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.


9.. Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.


10.. Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.


11.. Misty: How golfers create divots.


12.. Paradox: Two physicians


13.. Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower


14.. Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.


15.. Polarize: What penguin s see with.


16.. Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.


17.. Relief: What trees do in the spring.


18.. Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.


19.. Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.


20.. Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.


21.. Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official.


22.. Subdued .... like a guy, like works on one of those, like,
submarines, man!

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said Implants?"
She hit me.

I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.



I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want
to annoy for the rest of your life.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick
that up, you don't know here it's been!"

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in
the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue! with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.



Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in
prison?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with
something called LABOR!



Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells
live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
cannot be displayed in a federal building?



Bumper sticker of the year: "IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THANK A TEACHER....and
since it's in
English, THANK A SOLDIER". AMEN!