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Subject: Social Security A retired gentleman went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. He then said "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." He complies, and opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest; is proof enough for me." And she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. The wife says......... "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... Your standard of living improves when you go camping. Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens. You have jacked up your home to look for a dog. You have a relative living in your garage. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting. You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode. None of the tires on your van are the same size. You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it. Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test. Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet. You've ever slow-danced in the Waffle House. Starting your car involves popping the hood. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays. You whistle at women in church. You actually wear shoes your dog brought home. You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale. You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat 'Traction control system" is a washtub full of sand in the trunk. Your wife says "she's game," and you shoot her. You've ever used duct tape to repair dental work. You've unstopped a sink with a shotgun. Your will states your wife can't touch your money 'til she's fourteen. You have to pass through a metal detector to get to a family reunion. The last thing your ex-wife said was... "It's me or them dogs." Your coffee table is also a cooler! Your mailing address includes the word "holler." The first time you ever saw your wife in lingerie, you had to pay a cover charge. You've sold a car to settle a bar tab. The best sofa you ever had came out of a Chevrolet. You've ever used your bathtub as a punch bowl. If the directions to your house contain the words "turn off the paved road." If you have ever been accused of lying through your tooth. If you have ever used a barstool as a walker. If you have ever taken a beer to a funeral. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100K worth of upgrades. ===== Have a great day

A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went. In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me? "The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Why do coffins have lifetime guarantees? Why is a square meal served on round plate? Why are boxing rings square? Why do all superheroes wear spandex? Why does Bugs bunny walk around the cartoon naked, but puts a bathing suit on when he goes swimming? If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet? Why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of skating rinks? Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot? Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin? If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go? If shampoo comes in so many colours, why is the lather on your head always white? Why is it called a TV set when there is only one? If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages? Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop? Do sore thumbs really stick out? If money does not grow on trees, why do banks have branches? If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule? Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a haemorrhoid when its in your anus?.

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets,the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided (AT ALL COSTS): 1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and bald spots 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirts and support hose 5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads 6. Speedo's and cellulite 7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Bikinis and liver spots 11. Short shorts and varicose veins 12. Inline skates and a walker 13. Thongs and Depends Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

(It's ok... The joke is CLEAN.)

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls.

"The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT???!"

Never choke in a restaurant in the South
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>Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shake her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it.