Wednesday, September 29, 2004

The Many Uses Of Vinegar


GARDEN:

Grow beautiful azaleas: Occasionally water plants
with a mixture of two tablespoons vinegar to
one quart water. Azaleas love acidic soil.

Kill grass on walks and driveways.
Pour full strength on unwanted grass.

Kill weeds. Spray full strength on growth until
plants have starved.

Increase soil acidity. In hard water areas, add
a cup of vinegar to a gallon of tap water for
watering acid loving plants like rhododendrums,
gardenias, or azaleas. The vinegar will release
iron in the soil for the plants to use.

Freshen cut flowers. Add 2 tablespoons vinegar
and 1 teaspoon sugar for each quart of water.

Prolong the life of flowers in a vase. Add two
tablespoons of vinegar plus three
tablespoons of sugar per quart of warm water.
Stems should be in three to four inches of water.

Neutralize garden lime. Rinse your hands liberally
with vinegar after working with garden lime to
avoid rough and flaking skin.
Clean pots before repotting, rinse with vinegar to
remove excess lime.



BUGS AND ANIMALS:

Fish bowl cleaner Eliminate that ugly deposit in
the gold fish tank by rubbing it with a cloth
dipped in vinegar and rinsing well.

Eliminate animal urine stains from carpet. Blot
up urine with a soft cloth, flush several times
with lukewarm water, then apply a mixture of equal
parts vinegar and cool water. Blot up, rinse,
and let dry.

Deter ants. Spray vinegar around door and window
frames, under appliances, and along other known
ant trails.

Remove skunk odor from a dog.
Rub fur with full strength vinegar; rinse.

Keep cats away. Sprinkle vinegar on an area to
discourage cats from walking,sleeping, or
scratching on it.

Keep dogs from scratching ears. Clean the inside
of the ears with a soft cloth dipped in diluted
vinegar.

Keep away fleas and mange. Add a little vinegar to
your pet's drinking water.

Keep chickens from pecking each other. Add cider
vinegar to their drinking water.

Clean milking equipment. Rinse with vinegar to
leave system clean, odorless, and bacteria free
without harmful chemical residue.




CARS & TOOLS:

Polish car chrome. Apply full strength.

Clean rust from tools, bolts, and spigots. Soak
the rusted tool, bolt, or spigot in undiluted
vinegar overnight.

Keep car windows frost free. Coat the windows
the night before with a solution of three parts
vinegar to one part water.




HEALTH & BEAUTY:

Dampen your appetite. Sprinkle a little vinegar on
prepared food to take the edge off your appetite.

Soothe a bee or jellyfish sting. Dot or douce the
irritated area with vinegar and relieve itching.

Relieve itching by using a cotton ball to dab
mosquito and other bug bites with Vinegar straight
from the bottle.

Relieve sunburn by lightly rubbing it with
vinegar. You may have to reapply.

Take 1 cup of vinegar and warm water into a
large glass and use to rinse your hair after
you shampoo. Vinegar adds highlights to brunette
hair, restores the acid mantel, and removes
soap film and sebum oil.

You take 1 tablespoon full and swollow when you
have the hiccups. It stops them instantly.

Relieve dry and itchy skin. Add 2 tablespoons to
bath water.

Fight dandruff, by rinsing with vinegar and
2 cups of warm water, after shampooing.

Soothe a sore throat. Put a teaspoon of vinegar
in a glass of water. Gargle, then swallow.

Cure for colds. Mix one-quarter cup Apple Cider
Vinegar with one-quarter cup honey.
Take one tablespoon six to eight times daily.

Treat sinus infections and chest colds.
Add 1/4 cup or more vinegar to the vaporizer.

Feel good recipe. A teaspoon of apple cider vinegar in a glass
of water, with a bit of honey added for flavor,
will take the edge off your appetite and give
you an overall healthy feeling.

Remove fruit stains from hands. Rub with vinegar.

Remove warts by applying a lotion of half cider
vinegar and half glycerin.
Apply daily to warts until they dissolve.

Relieve arthritis. Before each meal, drink a
glass of water containing two teaspoons
Apple Cider Vinegar.
Give it at least three weeks to start working.

Remove corns by making a poultice of one crumbled
piece of bread soaked in one-quarter cup Vinegar.
Let poultice sit for one-half hour, then apply to
the corn and tape in place overnight. If corn does
not peel off by morning, reapply the poultice for
several consecutive nights.

Cure an upset stomach by drinking two teaspoons
Apple Cider Vinegar in one cup water.

Prevent yeast infections. Douche with one
tablespoon vinegar to one quart warm water,
to adjust the pH balance in the vagina.

Clean dentures by soaking them overnight in
vinegar, then brush away tartar with a toothbrush.

Relieve cough by mixing one-half cup Apple Cider
Vinegar, one-half cup water, one teaspoon cayenne
pepper, and four teaspoons honey.
Take one tablespoon when cough acts up.
Take another tablespoon at bedtime.




LAUNDRY & OTHER CLOTHES CARE:

Use in laundry to cut soap.

Get rid of lint in clothes. Add 1/2 cup of vinegar
to the rinse cycle.

Prevent lint from clinging to clothes: Add one cup
vinegar to each wash load.

Keep bright colors from running. Immerse clothes in
full strength vinegar for 10 minutes before washing.

Freshen up the washing machine. Clean the hoses
and unclog soap scum.
Once a month pour one cup of vinegar into the
washing machine and run the machine through a
normal cycle, without clothes.

Brighten fabric colors. Add a 1/2 cup vinegar
to the rinse cycle.

Take grease off suede. Dip a toothbrush in vinegar
and gently brush over grease spot.

Remove tough stains. Gently rub on fruit, jam,
mustard, coffee, tea. Then wash as usual.

Get smoke smell out of clothes by addibng a cup of
vinegar to a bath tub of hot water.
Hang clothes above the steam.

Remove perspiration stains from clothes by
applying one part vinegar to four parts water,
then rinse.

Deodorant and anti-perspirants stains may be
removed from clothing by lightly rubbing with
distilled vinegar and laundering as usual.

Cotton and wool blankets become soft, fluffy and
free of soap odor if 2 cups of distilled vinegar
are added to the rinse cycle of the wash.

Clothes will rinse better if a cup of vinegar is
added to the last rinse water. The acid in vinegar
is too mild to harm fabrics but strong enough to
dissolve the alkalies in soaps and detergents.

When dyeing fabric, add a cup full of distilled
vinegar to the last rinse to set the color.

Nylon hose will look better and last longer if
1 tablespoon of vinegar is added to the rinse
water when washing.

To obtain a sharper crease in your knit fabrics,
dampen them with a cloth wrung out from a solution
of 1/3 distilled vinegar and 2/3 water.
Place a brown paper bag over the crease and iron.

Excess laundry suds that develop during hand
laundry may be eliminated by splashing a little
vinegar into the second rinse. Follow this with
another rinse in plain water.

Deodorize a wool sweater: Wash sweater, then rinse
in equal parts vinegar and water to remove odor.

After a hem or seam is removed, there are often
unsightly holes left in the fabric. These holes
can be removed by placing a cloth, moistened with
distilled vinegar, under the fabric and ironing.

Unclog steam iron by pouring equal amounts of
vinegar and water into the iron's water chamber.
Turn to steam and leave the iron on for 5 minutes
in an upright position. Then unplug and allow to
cool. Any loose particles should come out when you
empty the water.

Clean a scorched iron plate by heating equal parts
vinegar and salt in a small pan. Then rub the
solution on the cooled iron surface to remove dark
or burned stains.




IN THE KITCHEN:

A mixture of salt and vinegar will clean coffee
and tea stains from chinaware.

Freshen vegetables. Soak wilted vegetables in
2 cups of water and a tablespoon of vinegar.

Boil better eggs by adding 2 tablespoons water
before boiling. Keeps them from cracking.

Marinating meat in vinegar kills bacteria and
tenderizes the meat. Use one-quarter cup
vinegar for a two to three pound roast, marinate
overnight, then cook without draining or
rinsing the meat.
Add herbs to the vinegar when marinating as desired.

Put vinegar on a cloth and let sit on the back
of your kitchen faucet and it removes hard water
stains.

Vinegar can help to dissolve mineral deposits that
collect in automatic drip coffee makers. Fill the
reservoir with vinegar and run it through a
brewing cycle. Rinse thoroughly with water when
the cycle is finished.
(Be sure sure to check the owners manual for
specific instructions).

Brass, copper and pewter will shine if cleaned
with the following mixture. Dissolve 1 teaspoon
of salt in 1 cup of distilled vinegar.

Clean the dishwasher by running a cup of vinegar
through the whole cycle once a month to reduce
soap build up on the inner mechanisms and on
glassware.

Deodorize the kitchen drain. Pour a cup down the
drain once a week. Let stand 30 minutes and then
flush with cold water.

Unclog a drain. Pour a handful of baking soda down
the drain and add 1/2 cup of vinegar.
Rinse with hot water.

Eliminate onion odor by rubbing vinegar on your
fingers before and after slicing.

Clean and disinfect wood cutting boards by wiping
with full strength vinegar.

Cut grease and odor on dishes by adding a
tablespoon of vinegar to hot soapy water.

Clean a teapot by boiling a mixture of water and
vinegar in it. Wipe away the grime.

Clean and deodorize the garbage disposal by making
vinegar ice cubes and feed them down the disposal.
After grinding, run cold water through.

Clean and deodorize jars. Rinse mayonnaise, peanut
butter, and mustard jars with vinegar when empty.

Get rid of cooking smells by letting a small pot
of vinegar and water simmer on the stove.

Freshen a lunchbox by soaking a piece of bread in
vinegar and let it sit in the lunchbox over night.

Clean the refrigerator by washing with a solution
of equal parts water and vinegar.

Clean stainless steel by wiping with a vinegar
dampened cloth.

Clean china and fine glassware by adding a cup of
vinegar to a sink of warm water. Gently dip the
glass or china in the solution and let dry.

Get stains out of pots by filling the pots with
a solution of 3 tablespoons of vinegar to a pint
of water. Boil until stain loosens and can be
washed away.

Clean food-stained pots and pans by filling the
pots and pans with vinegar and let stand for
thirty minutes.
Then rinse in hot, soapy water.

Clean the microwave by boiling a solution of 1/4 cup
of vinegar and 1 cup of water in the microwave.
Will loosen splattered on food and deodorize.

Make buttermilk. Add a tablespoon of vinegar to a
cup of milk and let it stand 5 minutes to thicken.

Replace a lemon by substituting 1/4 teaspoon of
vinegar for 1 teaspoon of lemon juice.

Firm up gelatin by adding a teaspoon of vinegar
for every box of gelatin used. To keep those
molded desserts from sagging in the summer heat.

Prepare fluffier rice by adding a teaspoon of
vinegar to the water when it boils.

Make wine vinegar by mixing 2 tablespoons of
vinegar with 1 teaspoon of dry red wine.

Debug fresh vegetables by washing them in water
with vinegar and salt. Bugs float off.

Scale fish more easily by rubbing with vinegar 5
minutes before scaling.

Prevent soapy film on glassware by placing a cup
of vinegar on the bottom rack of your dishwasher,
run for five minutes, then run though the full
cycle.

The minerals found in foods and water will often
leave a dark stain on aluminum utensils.
This stain can be easily removed by boiling a
solution of 1 tablespoon of distilled vinegar
per cup of water in the utensil.
Utensils may also be boiled in the solution.

Unsightly film in small-necked bottles and other
containers can be cleaned by pouring vinegar into
the bottle and shaking. For tougher stains, add a
few tablespoons of rice or sand and shake
vigorously. Rinse thoroughly and repeat until
clean or determined hopeless.

After cleaning the bread box, keep it smelling
sweet by wiping it down with a cloth moistened
in distilled vinegar.

To eliminate fruit stains from your hands, rub
your hands with a little distilled vinegar and
wipe them with a cloth.

Grease buildup in an oven can be prevented by
wiping with a cleaning rag that has been moistened
in distilled vinegar and water.

Formica tops and counters will shine if cleaned
with a cloth soaked in distilled vinegar.

No-wax linoleum will shine better if wiped with
a solution of 1/2 cup of white vinegar in
1/2 gallon of water.

Stains on hard-to-clean glass, aluminum, or
porcelain utensils may be loosened by boiling in
a solution of one part vinegar to eight parts
water. The utensils should then be washed in
hot soapy water.




IN THE BATHROOM:

Kill germs on bathroom fixtures by using one part
vinegar to one part water in a spray bottle.
Spray the bathroom fixtures and floor,
then wipe clean.

Soap and stain build up can be removed from chrome
and plastic fixturesif they are cleaned with a
mixture of 1 teaspoon of salt and 2 tablespoons
of distilled vinegar.

Clean soap scum, mildew, and grime from bathtub,
tile, and shower curtains. Simply wipe the
surface with Vinegar and rinse with water.

Stubborn stains can be removed from the toilet
by spraying them with vinegar and brushing
vigorously. The bowl may be deodorized by adding 3
cups of distilled vinegar. Allow it to remain for
a half hour, then flush.

Unclog a shower head by unscrewing it, remove the
rubber washer, place the head in a pot filled with
equal parts Vinegar and water, bring to a boil,
then simmer for five minutes.

Corrosion may be removed from showerheads or
faucets by soaking them in diluted distilled
vinegar overnight. This may be easily accomplished
by saturating a terry cloth towel in vinegar and
wrapping it around the showerhead or faucet.

Bath tub film can be removed by wiping with
vinegar and then with soda.Rinse clean with water.




MISCELLANEOUS:

Use vinegar in the steam cleaner to reduce soap
bubbles.

Mix vinegar with lindseed oil and use it to clean
your wood.

Clean eyeglasses by wiping each lens with a drop
of vinegar.

Soak new propane latern wicks in vinegar for
several hours. Let dry before using. Will burn
longer and brighter.

Deodorize the air. Vinegar is a natural air
freshener when sprayed in a room.

Turn a chicken bone into rubber by soaking it in a
glass of vinegar for three days. It will bend like
rubber.

Deodorize a room filled with cigarette smoke or
paint fumes. Place a small bowl of vinegar in
the room.

Remove decals or bumper stickers by soaking a
cloth in Vinegar and cover the decal or bumper
sticker for several minutes until the vinegar
soaks in. The decals and bumper stickers should
peel off easily.

Cleaning windows by using undiluted Vinegar in
a spray bottle. Dry offwith newspaper.

Prevent patching plaster from drying by adding one
tablespoon vinegar to the water when mixing to
slow the drying time.

Plastic can be cleaned and made anti-static by
wiping down with a solution of 1 tablespoon of
distilled vinegar to 1 gallon of water.
This will cut down on the plastics' tendency to
attract dust.

The colors in carpets and rugs will often look
like they have taken a new lease on life if they
are brushed with a mixture of 1 cup of vinegar in
a gallon of water.

A mixture of one teaspoon of liquid detergent and
1 teaspoon of distilled vinegar in a pint of
lukewarm water will remove non-oily stains from
carpets. Apply it to the stain with a soft brush
or towel and rub gently. Rinse with a towel
moistened with clean water and blot dry. Repeat
this procedure until the stain is gone. Then dry
quickly, using a fan or hair dryer. This should be
done as soon as the stain is discovered.

Spots caused by cola-based soft drinks can be
removed from 100 percent cotton, cotton polyester
and permanent press fabrics if done so with in 24
hours. To do it, sponge distilled vinegar directly
onto the stain and rub away the spots. Then clean
according to the directions on the manufacturer's
care tag.

Sponging away grease and dirt with a sponge dipped
in distilled vinegar will keep exhaust fan grills,
air-conditioner blades and grills dust free.

Leather articles can be cleaned with a mixture of
distilled vinegar and linseed oil. Rub the mixture
into the leather and then polish with a soft cloth.

To loosen old glue around rungs and joints of
tables and chairs under repair, apply distilled
vinegar with a small oil can.

Soak a paint brush in hot vinegar, then wash out
with warm, sudsy water to soften it up.

Patent leather will shine better if wiped with a
soft cloth which has been moisten with distilled
vinegar.

To add a pleasant scent to a room while at the
same time removing an unpleasant odor, add
cardamom or other fragrant spice to a bowl of
distilled vinegar and place in the warmest corner
of the room.

Varnished wood often takes on a cloudy appearance.
If the cloudiness hasn't gone through to the wood,
the cloudiness can be removed by rubbing the wood
with a soft lintless cloth wrung out from a
solution of 1 tablespoon of distilled vinegar in a
quart of luke-warm water. Complete the job by
wiping the surface with a soft dry cloth.

Dirt and grime can be easily removed from woodwork
with a solution of 1 cup of ammonia, 1/2 cup of
distilled vinegar, and 1/4 cup of baking soda in a
cup of warm water. This solution will not dull the
finish or leave streaks.

Stubborn rings resulting from wet glasses being
placed on wood furniture may be removed by rubbing
with a mixture of equal parts of distilled vinegar
and olive oil. Rub with the grain and polish for
the best results.

Wood paneling may be cleaned with a mixture of
1 ounce of olive oil and 2 ounces of distilled
vinegar in 1 quart of warm water. Moisten a soft
cloth with the solution and wipe the paneling.
The yellowing is then removed by wiping with a
soft, dry cloth.



DISCLAIMER: All tips, hints and ideas are used at own risk.

Sylvester Casciola

Retired Cross Creek Township dairy farmer

Sylvester Casciola, 88, of Cross Creek Township, Burgettstown, died Tuesday, September 28, 2004, on his farm.

He was born November 6, 1915, in Morgan, a son of Alfonso and Mary Krezanosky Casciola.

Mr. Casciola was a member of St. Michael Roman Catholic Church of Avella and Cross Creek Valley Senior Citizens.

He was a 1934 graduate of Hickory High School.

When he was 16, his grandfather, Thomas Krezanosky, set him up in dairy farming, renting the Boyce Homestead. He retired in 1977, but continued to work the farmland.

He was a resident of the Avella area since he was five.

On September 30, 1950, he married Evelyn Mencarelli, who survives.

Also surviving, in addition to his wife, are a daughter, Tana M. Casciola of Eighty Four; a son and daughter-in-law, Dean F. and Sharon L. Casciola of Cross Creek Township, Burgettstown; two grandsons, Dean R. and Aaron L. Casciola; a sister, Mary Novotny of Canonsburg; a niece, Donna Sapone of Philadelphia; and a nephew, Allan Casciola of Andover, Ohio.

Deceased, in addition to his parents, is a brother, Alfonso (Duke) Casciola.

Friends will be received from 2 to 9 p.m. Wednesday and 11 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. Thursday in Jerome A. Stefkovich Funeral Home Inc., 18 Campbell Street, Avella. Mass of Christian Burial will be held at 1 p.m. Thursday, September 30, Mr. and Mrs. Casciola's 54th wedding anniversary, in St. Michael Roman Catholic Church, 95 Highland Avenue, Avella, with the Rev. Pierre G. Sodini officiating. Burial will be in St. Michael Cemetery. Memorial contributions may be made to Washington Hospital Hospice Care or St. Michael Church Building Fund, 95 Highland Avenue, Avella, PA 15312.


Tuesday, September 21, 2004










   Join Cross Creek Valley Senior Community Center    


 MSN Groups


Monday, September 20, 2004

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who
I am when I am with you..


2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is,
won't make you cry.



3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want
them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.



4.. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and
touches your heart.




5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right
beside them knowing you can't have them.


6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know
who is falling in love with your smile.


7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you
may be the world.



8 Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to
waste their time on you.



9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before
meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the
person, we will know how to be grateful.


10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.


11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what
you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful
about who you trust next time around.



12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before
you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.


13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you! least
expect them to.


REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON



True friends: How many people actually have 8 true friends?



Hardly anyone I know ! But some of us have all right friends
and good friends!!!


Sunday, September 19, 2004

Catholic Horse Race

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing
his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and
blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo
and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Mitch was most
interested to see what the priest did the next race Sure enough, he watched
the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and
place a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had
blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to
see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The
priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won!

Mitch was elated! As the da! y went on, the priest continued blessing one
of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some
serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going
to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings and
awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last
race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of on the horses.

Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitch was
dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he
demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won.
The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings
too, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you non
Catholics, you can't tell the difference between! a simple blessing and the
Last Rites."
Your Eyes

Your Eyes
Can you tell me what you see,
When you're lookin down at me,
Cause when I see you,
It's too good to be true,
You make me laugh so hard,
I feel like one of those cheesy greeting cards
Cause with you everything fits,
You with your humor, me being a ditz,
I can't help but need you around,
It seems for once I'm finally found,
In your eyes
Do you feel alive when I'm there,
Your arms wrapped around me, the wind blowing my hair,
Don't you see your affect on me?
With you I know I'm finally free
Cause with you, everything's right,
It's as clear as black and white,
I've never felt the way right now I feel,
It couldn't possibly get anymore real
Than this
I love how I can finally be myself,
It's truly me, nobody else,
I know now that I've got nothing to hide,
In you I know I'll always be satisfied
Cause with you, I never know what's next,
But that's ok, I've learned that's sometimes best,
Nothing's missing anymore,
You opened that long-locked door
With your eyes
Cause with you, everything fits,
With you, everything’s right,I can’t help but need you around,
It seems for once I’m finally found
I’ve never felt the way right now I feel,It couldn’t possibly get anymore real,
Nothing’s missing anymore,
You opened that long locked door
With your eyes
So can you tell me what do you see,
When you're looking down at me?

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Subject: This one REALLY says it all!!! Motto to live by............. "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand, strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming .............WOO HOO - what a ride !!! SOOOOooooo true !!
WE WILL NEVER FORGET

Friday, September 10, 2004

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a - smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off - the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking - - - Lady 1: What's that? - - Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. - - Lady 1: Where did you get it? - - Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. - - The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. - - The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, - after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she - prefers. - - "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel." - - The pharmacist fainted. -

Monday, September 06, 2004

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? Do you think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

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Friday, August 27, 2004

Subject: Social Security A retired gentleman went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. He then said "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." He complies, and opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest; is proof enough for me." And she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. The wife says......... "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... Your standard of living improves when you go camping. Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens. You have jacked up your home to look for a dog. You have a relative living in your garage. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting. You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode. None of the tires on your van are the same size. You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it. Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test. Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet. You've ever slow-danced in the Waffle House. Starting your car involves popping the hood. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays. You whistle at women in church. You actually wear shoes your dog brought home. You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale. You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat 'Traction control system" is a washtub full of sand in the trunk. Your wife says "she's game," and you shoot her. You've ever used duct tape to repair dental work. You've unstopped a sink with a shotgun. Your will states your wife can't touch your money 'til she's fourteen. You have to pass through a metal detector to get to a family reunion. The last thing your ex-wife said was... "It's me or them dogs." Your coffee table is also a cooler! Your mailing address includes the word "holler." The first time you ever saw your wife in lingerie, you had to pay a cover charge. You've sold a car to settle a bar tab. The best sofa you ever had came out of a Chevrolet. You've ever used your bathtub as a punch bowl. If the directions to your house contain the words "turn off the paved road." If you have ever been accused of lying through your tooth. If you have ever used a barstool as a walker. If you have ever taken a beer to a funeral. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100K worth of upgrades. ===== Have a great day

Sunday, August 22, 2004

A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went. In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me? "The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Why do coffins have lifetime guarantees? Why is a square meal served on round plate? Why are boxing rings square? Why do all superheroes wear spandex? Why does Bugs bunny walk around the cartoon naked, but puts a bathing suit on when he goes swimming? If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet? Why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of skating rinks? Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot? Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin? If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go? If shampoo comes in so many colours, why is the lather on your head always white? Why is it called a TV set when there is only one? If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages? Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop? Do sore thumbs really stick out? If money does not grow on trees, why do banks have branches? If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule? Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a haemorrhoid when its in your anus?.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets,the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided (AT ALL COSTS): 1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and bald spots 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirts and support hose 5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads 6. Speedo's and cellulite 7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Bikinis and liver spots 11. Short shorts and varicose veins 12. Inline skates and a walker 13. Thongs and Depends Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

(It's ok... The joke is CLEAN.)

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls.

"The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT???!"

Monday, August 02, 2004

Never choke in a restaurant in the South
>
>
>Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shake her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it.

Friday, July 30, 2004

Subject: Thought for today ....... There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. If you don't send this to five friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

Thursday, July 29, 2004

This is for older people. Younger people try it at their own risk. This is working well for me. For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this three days a week. Begin by standing straight, with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute. Relax. After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks, and then 50-LB.potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-LB. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in the bags